I wish I had said that.

Ever been in need of of a quick-witted comeback only to come up empty in the moment? It’s okay, we’ve all been there. And thanks to these examples of sheer awesomeness from Disney movies, we’ll never have to be there again. Without further ado, we present, Disney comebacks for any (and every) occasion.

“Dishonor on your whole family!” – Mushu, Mulan

Use this comeback when provoked, but beware: dishonor is a big deal. Don’t underestimate the power of this comeback.

“When I am queen, I will have the power to get rid of you.” – Princess Jasmine, Aladdin

This one is special. For particular use when someone has annoyed you. People don’t mess with queens. #Fact

“Ha-ha! Take a look at that you pompous windbag!” – The King, Cinderella

For this comeback, be prepared by having something really cool with you all the time, (your favorite pin or vinylmation perhaps) to bust out while shouting the above, and simultaneously becoming everyone’s hero.

“No.” – Carl, Up

Quick. Efficient. To the point. Versatile. It may be the perfect, unexpected, comeback.

“Forgive me for not leaping for joy. Bad back, you know.” – Scar, The Lion King

This one is genius. Why? Because you not only get to be sarcastic, (always a plus) but you’ll also get sympathy for mentioning the bad back.

“You’re a sad, strange little man, and you have my pity.” – Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story

Let’s be honest, this is the greatest. Use frequently and with fervor.

“_______, you are positively primeval.” – Belle, Beauty and the Beast

Insert anyone’s name in the space above and you have just become our hero.

“Here comes the smolder.” – Flynn Rider, Tangled

The smolder is an (almost) foolproof comeback for any scenario. Its power shouldn’t be underestimated. Just make sure no one happens to be holding a frying pan when you enter smolder mode.

“I understand everything…except that wig.” – Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

This comeback requires the person on the receiving end to be wearing a wig (or hair plugs, or just to be having a really bad hair day), so just consider that before going here. #WorthIt

“The word I’m searching for I can’t say, because there’s preschool toys present.” – Woody, Toy Story

Another gem. Bonus: You’ll look really classy protecting the innocence of those preschool toys.

“I knew you weren’t suited for literature.” – Gonzo, The Muppet Christmas Carol

What. a. zinger. The person you say this to will cower in shame. COWER, we say!

“Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.” – Every character, Mary Poppins

We know the sound of it is really quite atrocious, but that’s the point. It’s the chameleon of comebacks– it means whatever you want and/or need it to mean! Use with abundance.

“I’m through with all of you! I’ll get even. Just wait.” – Cruella De Vil, One Hundred and One Dalmatians

Okay, so this one is decidedly creepy. We suggest only using in extreme situations or if you really want to freak someone out. Totally up to you.

“You really delight in this sadistic strain on my blood pressure, don’t you?” – Grimsby, The Little Mermaid

Another double whammy. Guaranteed to elicit pity and guilt. The person on the other end of this comeback will be putty in your hands! Muahahha! (We got a little carried away there. We apologize).

“I’ll know he’s the one when he makes me laugh.” – Minnie Mouse

Boom. Say this whenever anyone asks you why you’re still single.

“We are not a codfish.” – Mary Poppins, Mary Poppins

This makes list for two reasons: 1. The use of the royal “we” is flawless, and 2. Say this to anyone and they’ll be so bewildered that they’ll have to slowly back out of the room. #Winning

Well . . .there you have it. Please use any and all of these comebacks with regularity and you will generally win at the game of life . . . or at least one-uppance.
Good for you.
Never again will you be caught with nothing to say.
You’re welcome.

I aspire to be Julie Andrews when I grow up.

Since was about 4 years old, I've known a few things to be undeniable truths of the universe. The Earth revolves around the sun, socks disappear in the dryer, and Julie Andrews is automatically, without doubt or argument, cooler than everyone else currently or posthumously residing on this planet. She’s practically perfect in every way. Here are some of those ways:

1. She has a sound stage on the Walt Disney Studios Lot named after her. This sound stage will be celebrating its 14th anniversary this year. It’s the place where Julie (we wish we were on a first name basis) filmed both Mary Poppins and The Princess Diaries.


2. She was the voice of the nightly Disneyland Fireworks Spectacular during the Park's 50th Anniversary Celebration, and became the Disneyland Resort Ambassador for the 50th Anniversary Celebration. This brings joy and delight to all, as only Julie and her accent could.


3. She played Queen Clarisse Rinaldi of Genovia. They probably had to invent a fake country for the movie just so they didn’t intimidate queens of real (and less Julie-esque) countries. And she played the part with class, white gloves, and a tiara.


4. She looks cool in all outfits. Even this hat and borderline bow tie.


5. She’s good at so many things that she’s actually the one making the whistling sound of this bird (the first audio-animatronic bird to be used in a film):


6. She makes carousel horses look classy and spectacular, while riding side saddle yet.
    (As only a true lady can.)



7. She makes sliding up banisters look effortless.


8. She makes this face, which seems to say “I’m intelligent, graceful, and cooler than you are” all with an air of humility.
(Especially in a tiara!)


9. Somehow she manages to convey all the emotions of Mary Poppins leaving (because the wind changed) with a single look. And she makes talking to an umbrella look totally normal.


10. She’s in this picture, which we’re pretty sure is one of the best things ever to be committed to film.

We rest our (impeccably mannered, British) case.
(Cue "Feed the Birds".)

Life Coaching

Far be it from me to come across as suggesting that you need a life coach, but if you hypothetically did I can think of no better team than Cogsworth and Lumiere to make you the best possible you that you can be. They’re like the angel and devil on your shoulders, if the angel was a tightly-wound clock and the devil was a suave candlestick. And also, they exclusively give great advice. So really, they’re better than any angel and devil combos we’ve seen in recent memory. Here’s why.

1. They can teach you the subtle art of blending in while standing out.

Not easy to master, but super useful.

2. If you have a cold, they might suggest getting warm by the fire.

Sensible advice.

3. They dream big (yet cautiously).

And, likewise, will inspire you to do the same. Also, they’re pro hand holding.

4. Lumiere doubles as an anger management counselor.

(Just in case.) Deep breaths, Beast. Deep breaths.

5. Also, they give great lessons in being a proper gent.

Take note, guys!

6. Cogsworth’s military-precision would be able to whip anyone into shape.

Even Lumiere is totally impressed by Cogsworth’s command and raised index finger.

7. Their musical expertise is the envy all other inanimate objects.

Just look at that dedication. You could have that dedication.

8. Bonus life coaching skill: French lessons.

“Zut alors!” Sacre Bleu!”

9. They’re cultured, and great at fancy art history puns.

This is basically what we all aspire to be, are we right?

10. Need an unexpected diversion or quickly-desired subject change?

West Wing? What West Wing? These guys are tops.

11. They’re great at brainstorming last minute gift ideas and allowing you to take the credit.

Seriously the library might be the best gift that’s ever been given.

12. They’ll help you see the fun in any situation.

Cleaning is better with lots of pranks.

13. They’re also great date coaches.

Natch.

14. They never give up.

They’ve just learned that Belle has left. The Beast loves her but that’s not enough. And now this angry mob is headed right towards the castle. Do they shrug their shoulders and sigh? No, they prepare for battle!

15. They will kiss you twice on the cheek while maintaining a stiff upper lip.

Who could ask for anything more in a pair of life coaches?

"Incroyable!"

Ghosts of Christmas Past

While I've never been one to suffer from 'Holiday Depression', I've never discounted it. I've seen too many people brought to their knees by the holiday season. It's either the stress brought on by responsibilities of the season, or a depression over everything the holidays are supposed to represent. Some are despondent of the costs associated with the holidays, wanting to present themselves as prosperous or that a valuable gift will somehow express their unstated emotions or feelings, or worse yet, that it will make up for everything that is lacking in that particular gifter/giftee relationship. Others will run themselves ragged trying to create that nostalgic Christmas that they really never had and only truly existed in their dreams and expectations. Some will dread the thought of spending time with family and extended relations at this time of year, old arguments and resentments being rehashed over too much food and alcohol, or in some cases, not enough alcohol. Then there are those that will dread being perceived as alone and lonely at this time of year, that by not having a significant other to validate them during the holidays it will sum up their year as empty and without meaning or value.

As I sit here at the beginning of February there is still one gift as yet undelivered, and every day I that I see it is like a fresh cut on my psyche. We've all heard about cutters, assuaging their guilt-anger-depression-self hate-etc by cutting themselves in unseen places. Like the cut will either remind them that they're still alive or give validity to their emotions and feelings. I'm worse than that, I'm an internal cutter. I use memory triggers, every day items in order to cut across my well being. A book, a card, a photo, a memento, a still wrapped gift. I'm not one to wait until Christmas to shop for Christmas presents, that's too amateur for me. I shop all year long for the people I care for, when I see that perfect gift I don't want to mentally bookmark it and hope it will still be here in December when I come back to shop, I buy it right then and there. I have a bin for all those gifts, I wrap them in holiday paper with a post-it as to what it is & who it's for, adding the notation to my Christmas spread-sheet. A little anal, but at least no-one get's left out or forgotten. That's the story with the Panda's gift. I bought it around the same time I bought his Valentine's Day gifts, wrapped it up and stored it away. Who knew that by the time Christmas rolled around we would no longer be an 'Us', that I wouldn't have seen him in 4 months by that point. That just holding that gift in my hands would reduce me to tears. So I finished wrapping it, adding ribbon and a tag, hoping against hopelessness that we could just see each other for coffee, then before we parted . . . just slide the gift across the table and walk away. Very 'Anna Karenina', all I would need is some steam from a train engine to walk through and a Russian balalaika playing in the background.

Well, as readers you know that hasn't happened yet, and it's been almost 6 months since I've see the Panda face to face. And still that package sits and sits. Innocent to all that has happened yet the source of my pain and daily mocking. It sits on a chair by the door, like it's waiting to go out, for a ride, a walk, for delivery. Re-gifting is out of the question, giving it away is not an option, throwing it away would only make things worse. It's like a black hole, pulling in emotions- gravity- light- and the ability to do long division. In my mind I've built this one gaily wrapped box into a tsunami of emotion and suppressed feelings. It's become the ultimate Pandora's Box. What happens when it's opened,  and by whom.

Disney-fied.

We all watch a lot of Disney movies (at least in my circle of friends).
A lot. (Really, a lot.)
They’re ingrained in special places in our souls and we wouldn’t change that for all the jewels in the Cave of Wonders. But there’s a special sort of problem we have as a result: TMDMD. Too Much Disney Movie Disorder. A fake diagnosis we just made up to describe the sorts of awesome situations we run into on a daily basis because of the time we spend watching Disney movies.

1. We find real life jarring and sometimes wish SOME people were only in 2D.

What do you mean it’s not normal to wish people (and penguins) were in 2D?

2. We annoy certain friends by reciting the movie we’re watching from start to finish.

We cannot help ourselves and we can’t promise it won’t happen again.

3. We’ve analyzed every second of said movie and have discovered it’s a metaphor for ______.

Love, life, the journey, faith, magic, family, etc.
For example:
Hercules’ biceps = the journey from childhood to adulthood.
Also, he’s really strong.

4. We make people play six degrees of Disney.

It’s a game we semi-invented. Look for it in a future blog post.

5. We have a go-to movie for our every mood.
     (EVERY single mood . . . all of them.)

Sad? Tangled cheers us up. Angry? Hercules can’t help but turn our frowns upside down.
Bad Hair Day? The Little Mermaid.
(It's the fork thingy.)

6. We find ourselves trying to rewind our favorite real life moments.

Seriously, why can’t we re-watch our promotion at work and fast forward through tripping over our shoelaces? (Or running from disgruntled natives?)

7. Breaking into song is not unusual to us, but confuses those around us.
    (Constantly.)

Deal with it, world.
Also, that one sheep on the left looks super confused, right?

8. We question characters about the decisions they make in movies when we see them in the park.
    (Worse than Harrison Ford.)

Also, we hug them.

9. We can relate pretty much everything in our life to a moment in a Disney movie.

It’s the circle of life… and it moves us to watch Disney movies.

10. We get goosebumps during the Walt Disney Pictures title treatment every time.

Its promise of magical entertainment never fails to deliver.

11. We speak in Disney movie quotes.

Friend: “What’s this?”
*Us: “WHAT’S THIS? THERE’S COLOR EVERYWHERE! WHAT’S THIS!? THERE’S WHITE THINGS IN THE AIR!”
Friend: …

*Fun fact: This is what our faces look like the entire time we’re watching a Disney movie.

12. When others unwittingly speak in Disney quotes we are secretly thrilled and simultaneously disappointed if they don’t know what they’ve done.

Missed opportunity.

13. We can fast forward to the exact moment of our favorite part of the movie with our eyes closed.

…And the sound turned off. And the movie doesn’t even have to be in the DVD player. We’re not messing around.

14. We try to resolve our problems within a 90 minute time frame.

It’s a great idea in theory. (For the purposes of this post, Percy represents our problems and Meeko represents the average length of a Disney movie.)

15. We believe in happily ever after.

Obviously.

Do you suffer from TMDMD?