Family

What constitutes a Family?
Is it 2 Parents and 2.5 Children? Is it a Single Parent with a Child or Children? Is it just 2 Adults? Immediate or Extended? Nuclear? Biological or Logical? How do we designate Families?
The dictionary has a basic definition that defines a Family as thus: a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for. However, if you expand/scroll down there is even a more open definition: a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together. So, do we narrow our field of vision and only accept traditional Families or do we open our eyes and our hearts to embrace all types of Families? What are your guidelines? As found in scriptures? What society decrees? What is your heart telling you?

In the 'Tales of the City' book series, Armistead Maupin's characters often speak of the difference between 'biological' and 'logical' families. With much discussion over the series regarding inclusion, forgiveness, and when love is just love. 'Biological' families are what we are born into, or have inflicted upon us if you prefer. We never have any choices in regards to our 'biological' families, we either adapt or die- so to speak. We change to fit in or we change to become invisible, either giving ourselves up to conformity or hiding our true selves until some point in the future where we'll either 'come out' or go away. With our 'Logical' families it's all about choice. We connect with like minds or open hearts, we find a common ground with which to build a family or a community. If you've gone off to college, how often did you dread going home for the holidays? Was it because home-life was so bad or was it because you really felt more accepted with the friends you gathered around than with people who've known you your entire life? When you moved away from the homestead, beginning your life with jobs and other attachments, how soon did your new life start to shape your world? When going home for visits or to celebrate occasions did you start to compare how much you were challenged by your own family? Was their view of the world just a bit more compact than yours, dictated or colored by events you no longer had a connection to or were impacted by? Were you cringing at comments you had already heard when growing up?

When you began to form your 'Logical' family did you feel like you were letting go of your past? When you're creating a family of your choosing, there's not always a lot of thought involved, you tend to go with your heart most of the time. It's how these people make you feel, how what they think influences you or even reflects upon you. A 'logical' family has a lot of synergy to it for the most part. Susan makes you laugh, Freddie is someone to exercise with, Martin pushes you to think beyond the obvious, Nina can always find a party or make on happen, Julie is the hard worker who pushes you to your goals, David is the one who can make you feel welcome and at home, and John is your goofball with a huge heart. What makes it all work is what you bring to them as well, you all win when that happens. I have such a huge circle of friends & family, some I've known from childhood or high school, some from college or early jobs, people from the different cities I've lived in, co-workers from my adult jobs, friends made through charity work or volunteering, and the good old 'friends of friends'. Some of my dearest friends are friends of the heart, we can go months or even years without anything but the most superficial contact, but when we're together it's like we had only seen each other that morning. We don't need a lot of maintenance to know how much we love each other, we all know that we would drop everything if the other needed us. That's the way with logical families, we need each other because we love each other, it's that simple . . . love is just love.

Sometimes our logical family can break our hearts. With a biological family it's just assumed that "you have to love them" or maybe just tolerate them. I have many friends that haven't spoken to members of their biological families for years, decades even. Declaring that it's just not worth the effort or the aggravation. They feel that can already anticipate what would be said, what actions will be taken, what will remain unspoken. There's no longing in their voices for what was . . . except maybe that it happened in the 1st place. With a logical family member however, sometimes that longing and pain can become unbearable. We remember everything that was said or done that led to the breaks between us and we struggle to find a way to make it right, to heal the wounds, or at the very least to salve the pain. When you break with a member of your logical family it tears at you like nothing else will because this involves someone you brought into your life, someone you chose to be a part of you- your circle- your heart. We'll try to find ways to heal the breach, we'll try harder than anything we've done before because this person is part of the world- the wall we build to protect us from the outsiders that would do us harm, this person is such a part of our heart that their loss affects the very way we live our lives. Our logical families mean so much more to us because we chose them, we created this family, we brought in the people who color our world and give it life. Love is just love . . . and our family is just our family.

So as we begin to gather around tables this Thanksgiving, at the 'kiddie table' or the 'big table', with our biological or logical families. Let us remember one thing . . . Love is Love and Family is Family.