Hurdling versus Hurtling

Us Big Boys were never meant to Hurtle at extreme velocities. Not through the vastness of space or upon re-entry, not on a roller coaster, not against gravity, and definitely not through your emotional mine field.

An emotional free-fall is a million times worse than say, a back flip off of the Empire State Building. Jumping off a building your biggest worry is hitting the ground and whether or not you end up taking out an innocent bystander or a wrong-place-wrong-time hot dog cart. An emotional hurtle will take you through several levels of pain before you even get to the bottom of it all. And there's no satisfying "SPLAT!" at the end . . . just more questions, pain, and much, much regret you even opened your mouth in the 1st place. And it's not a straight direct drop, emotions have tangents, and fall out, and recriminations, and memories, and scars. Big ugly nasty scars . . . that people never really let heal. Or they bring big canisters of salt along to the pity party just so you can hurt some more.

I've lived a life full of boxes and compartments for emotions. When something didn't go right it went in a box. When someone said or did something to hurt me, that went in a box. When someone belittled or subjugated a victory or a success in my life, that went into a box. When someone decided to cause me physical pain because it made them feel bigger, or stronger, or better about themselves, that went into a box as well. Instead of absorbing hurts and anger, fights and bruises, hatred and ignorance, I put them all in boxes & compartments big and small. I pushed them to a place where they didn't have to be seen and turned off the light and locked the door. Think of the final scene of 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' . . . that giant government warehouse where they placed the 'Ark of the Covenant'. That's what emotional life was like. I was too busy or fragile to deal with the immediate emotional debris and baggage, it was much easier to just pretend that it didn't exist, it never happened, or better yet . . . It happened to someone else. It was easier to walk away from it and leave it all behind. My energies were better spent building walls and defenses, go-to firewalls to prevent anyone from getting too close and allowing them to hurt me again. No one could derail the trajectory of my life if I didn't make a connection with them, if I viewed people and their lives as a necessary evil to get what I needed or wanted, so be it. I had my 'perfect' life and I didn't get my hands dirty with other people issues or dramas.

Unfortunately, there are more than a few flaws in that sort of logic.You're alone a lot. I don't mean sitting in a dark room pining away at the solitude of your existence, but the alone in a crowd kind of solitude. Celebrations or victories can be full of people, but when your walls are up there's really no one there to cheer you or be with you when the crowds are gone. When you don't let anyone in there's no one there when you need them, unless of course you're paying them for their time or interest in you. The biggest drawback of boxing up your emotions and putting them away is that the storage unit becomes full . . . or too full, even dangerously so at times. And you know what happens when you run out of room and you still keep shoving things in, that door is going to come flying open and you better duck because what went in is just bigger and badder when it comes flying out & aiming right at you!

Oh the carnage and debris you find yourself wading through . . . childhood traumas, high school fears & taunts, dating drama, breakups, exes galore! And if you're not prepared to deal with any of it you just become mired in your own self pity. You start buying self help books, stocking up on adult beverages, pills, or taking out a loan to pay for extensive therapy. All that denial you thought was helping you cope with life will just get worse because you'll believe that you're the one with everything together and it's everyone else's drama that they will have to deal with.

What's the solution? How do you hurdle over life's speed bumps versus hurtling through the drama? You deal. You break down the issue into it's basic components, the things you can change & the things you can't. Apologize for what you're responsible for and release the things you're not. You can't get back at Billy Johnson for calling you a fag in front of the swim team back in 10th grade, after he got you to 'play' behind the bleachers but you can let it go and recognize if not for his outing you'd never had the nerve to kiss Bobby Smith when he caught up with you later and asked if it was true. When you let go of something dark & painful from your past, you let the light shine upon the situation and maybe see that there was something there worth remembering, celebrating. Instead of dragging you down it could possibly let you rise to a better place. By giving something in your past the power to colour your future you cut short your chances for possibilities yet to come. By judging the current people and things in our lives by the actions, stories, & histories of people who have done us wrong in the past, we take away the potential these new people could bring into our lives.

I'd rather leave my hurtling for Disneyland Park than to free fall through my emotions and baggage. I need to hurdle over the speed bumps rather than let them denigrate the potential of my life. Who says it's wrong to go over or around the bumps in the road, would you rather be sitting on the sidelines waiting for someone else to do something about it? If you're not driving your life forward are you backing yourself into a corner?